9:46 p.m. - 2009-03-13
the first family occasion as a dysfunctional unit
It's now been three weeks. I've had one complete meltdown day. Fortunately I could feel it coming and stayed home and watched however many episodes of Skins, and cried torrents. Suffered a 24 hour headache the next day, and slunk into work a day after that. J, who's husband got (allegedly) attacked a couple of months ago and who is lucky be alive, was surprised to see me "back so soon". But I had to. Our apartment is being sold and we have to move, which means we have to pack and find a place and move and unpack and.... I've used all my leave being at the hospital and looking after mum at home.
My dreams have changed this week. They were very up-to-date and accurate for a while. After she died, I dreamed she was dead. After the funeral, I dreamed the funeral had happened. Then this week it all changed. I dreamed I was going skiing, and she was there, ready to lend me a pink fuzzy hat and a fuzzy white headband in the shape of a crown. With a blue lining. Then last night I dreamed that she was dead, like she was in hospital, but she was in the front room of the house. Instead of being quiet and shocked like I was, I clapped or something to check that she was really dead. She opened her eyes, talked to us, got out of bed, shuffled off down the hallway, and then decided she wanted to go shopping. I woke up as I was getting her into the car. You can just imagine how that felt.
I hate this. It was my birthday yesterday, and the three of us just couldn't seem to get it together. It's like, the four us had a gravitational pull that held us in orbit for the hours we would all be together, but having only three of us made us lopsided and tripping over each other. We kind of figured it out eventually, but even my sister wrote me a card full of "if only mum were here" sentiments, and GEEZ.
Poor old dad. It's probably been so much easier for us because we don't have to go home everyday and see all her stuff. Now that I'm drifting away from it all, I'm not sure that I'm really in the head space to help out with going through her things.
I still can't quite get it into my head that she's gone.
